I noticed that I had to move my belt out one notch today. I noticed, too, the bill for Gold’s Gym that lie screaming on my kitchen table. I noticed in my pantry I have more snickers than necessary to crave temporary hunger. Tomorrow’s my 28th birthday and I am already going through a midlife crisis…Shit!
I haven’t achieved a house with 2 kids and a wife and a white picket fence. All I have is a dog I bought from a homeless man, a twelve pack of Milwaukee’s Best, and a set of tax form paper cuts littered like mosquito bites on my hands. I must also have a Coor’s Lite baby gestating in my belly from all that venting Plutoed and I have done lately. I wonder who will pay child support on the Beer baby? Me or coors? I have to carry the burden around. I should bill them for my gym membership, send an invoice straight to their headquarters in Colorado. I will show them how to taste the fucking Rockies with an aftertaste of bitterness from the check they have to write me every month to support my Coors baby.
Too bad I won’t be able to claim my Coors baby on my taxes. Maybe I will see if there is a loophole where I can get a tax deduction for making a donation to the Sammy Wismon Foundation for Drug Deprived Bums. Always worth a shot. Right Plutoed?
Damn straight, Dan. Go get you some more money so you can keep buying me this quality Iams with carrots and beef and shit.
You’re good company, Plutoed. You know that right? Real snobbish good for nothing company.
Better company than those late nights you spend with Craigslist blowing money on anything from car covers to authentic Irish bag pipes. You fill your life with worthless QVC shit.
I thought I was going to make it to the gym tonight to combat against my spawning waist. I thought I was going to be excited for turning 28 tomorrow. Dave set me up with some chick for a date. I almost forgot. Shit. What’s that girls name again? Beth. No. Brianne. No. Shit. Why can’t I remember that shit that actually matters? Why haven’t I been working on my chiseled physique? Probably because I don’t have one. I better wow her with my personality and interesting work and social life. That will for sure do the trick as she falls on top of me, arms flailing in infatuation.
Better go to bed to get my beastly rest.
Good night, Plutoed.
Good night, Dan. Don’t dream too hard. Real life isn’t all that bad. You got me after all.
